[untitled]

"The one who loves the least controls the relationship"

This statement will be the death of all relationships. God forbid I'd become involved with somebody that lives by this statement because that's telling me straight up that you're afraid of possibly being hurt (then again, who isn't?) but even more it's saying that you don't trust me or think I'm worthy of your heart. I'm sorry, but you can miss me with that! How could we ever progress or establish something with you trying to prove how much you DON'T give a fuck simply to keep me on my toes..?! Please. At some point that bullshit ideal will seem like a yo-yo and someones is bound to get fed up & want want out.. meaning that all that game playing proved to be a big ol waste of time. So how about people begin to only invest their precious time & energy into someone that they truly believe is worth it, or at least has potential & is on the same level. Come at them correct and without a hidden agenda of trying to test one's tolerance for B.S.

..that is all

first up..

..is you. because you deserve it. you were the start. the method to the madness. the catalyst that got the ball rolling (& not necessarily in a good way). this is my letter to you, to let you know my current feelings towards you. you taught me a lot. since I've been with you, i don't look at guys the same anymore cause to me they all remind me of you. nothing but lies and "baby, baby please" bullshit. you reminded me why i always kept myself away from guys like you. away from heartbreak. away from deceit. away from negativity. but your oh so practice-makes-perfect charm reeled me as it was intended to. and i began falling; feeling my established being slipping away into the secular world of all things unholy. yet you didn't care. it never crossed your mind that all the things you introduced me to would slowly brake my innocence and corrupted all that use to be. you brought me down when i didn't even think i could be brought down. so to put it simply, you were a dead weight to me & i don't think you even realized that. i mean, you held me back from my dreams, my thoughts, my self power. there even was a time when you made me feel like a battered wife; even though you never hit me, you took life away from me. you took away my strength and kept it for your own benefit. you took away my sanity and added it to your lack of. you were a leach that dried out everything it touched. it never occurred to you that you single handily ruined a good thing; a good family, a good friend, a good job, a good girlfriend. all those things were handed to you, yet you took them for granted.. (ha) and look at you now. smh. i bet you wish you would've stayed huh? i bet you wish you would've listened. i bet you wish you weren't you right now. so sad. i tried. and in the time that has elapsed, I've forgiven you. but i just had to let you know once and for all that i have not forgotten, and probably never will. so a word of advise.. never bite off more than you can chew. and if you just so happen to find another "good" girl, release her immediately because she is worth way much more than what you're willing to pay.

*sigh* ..this is my letter to you.

a dime a dozen

a few months ago i had a in-car conversation with a friend of mine and amongst the numerous topics covered that night, one of them was the idea of "true love" and how one can distinguish whether or not they've found it. i remember this conversation being quite enlightening in the fact that we concluded on the note that "true love" is about compatibility, and compatibility is about communication. every second during our day to day lives we are communicating in some way. whether it's in person, through text, or through hand gestures and body language; it's communication and to each their own. looking beyond the obvious barriers of physical distance or cultural differences, everyone has a customary vision on life and what needs not to be in it (hints where "attractions" play a part). when one is attracted to another there is a sense of common ground; common interest or common experiences. once the getting to know process (aka "talking") is heavily in the midst, information is reviled and that common ground is either maintained or disconnected. often times people use the phrases "we just clicked" or "we're just on two different levels" to describe their status with another person and depending on the outcome, one either stays united or chooses to continue on in hopes of finding someone to connect to through dating, which acts like a process of elimination or filter. sure one can date and still achieve nothing, but they've also come closer to achieving their customary vision. i personally believe that there is someone for everyone; someone who is going to love the way you communicate and the way you guys establish a common ground.. and that sort of connection only comes a dime a dozen.

is it me.. {pt. 2}

..or is Lil' Kim really starting to resemble a Bratz doll?

truce

there are times, when you realize that you were on a role with a specific thought pattern or idea that you developed or rather some sort of theory of how your life should, would, and could play out, but you let something or someone step into the mix. sure what they offer seems to catch you off guard a bit, but nevertheless it appears to be exactly what you were looking for all along. so you pause what you were originally doing to check out this new thrill that has caught your eye because you feel that you just can't let this opportunity pass you by, so you chance it. now naturally you've got your guard up, but as time goes by and the right things {or what seemed to be the right things} are said, you gradually begin to open up; thinking and convincing yourself that this one just MIGHT be different. hmm. WRONG! {right now the saying "it was too good to be true" is starting to ring a bell} once again life pats you on the butt saying "haha, gotcha!" in effort to keep you humble and remind you as to why you were originally on your grind, your daily hustle, your quest for self, or however you want to phrase it. it basically tells you that now is not the time to get side tracked on the "wants" that life seems to tease you with, but rather reassures you that all that will come in due time and if it was meant to be then it will happen after your genuine self satisfaction is fully achieved. then and there will you find the required time, energy, and whatnot to enjoy those "wants" without getting thrown off course. remember, '09 is about GRINDING; making things happen for yourself in the fact that you are dedicating this time to self progression and achievement. '08 was fun and all but '09 is the time, and time is money, and money is power, and power enables us to do the things we want to do in life by helping us get where we want to be. there's no time to stop and get distracted by drama nor is there time to be entangled in today's trends. it's time to surround yourself with like minded people. people that help fuel your flame rather than steel your thunder. {so to speak} time to stay focused and in tune with your own inner thoughts, dreams, and passions. time to choose wise counsel and positive company. time to think about yourself so you can be in a position to help others later. now is the time to make time matter!

Self Truce #1 - Never die to self.

never allow yourself, your goals, your dreams to be contaminated by those around you. don't fall into trends that you know deep down don't reflect or follow where you've envisioned your life going. don't fall victim to the pressures of inner and outer demons and forever stay strong in your opinions {no matter whose toes you step on}, your style {no matter whose swag you steel}, nor your dedication {no matter what dead weight you may need to cut loose}.

Studio

I'm sorry, but this is my blog and this topic is something that keeps popping up [especially with everyone suddenly pursuing their rap careers]. now this is not intended to crush any ones dreams nor am i saying that i do not support my friends who are on the "grind" [keep it up, because hard work never goes unnoticed], but "the studio" is the devil. even though that's where the magic happens and you guys are oh so focused and all.. but it seems to somehow be a problem within the female community. i heard that the hidden (or not so hidden) rule of studio etiquette is "no girls allowed" [whether actually in person or just simply on the brain.. B.S!] i refuse to compete with some damn studio. i use to think that dating an athlete was horrible because of their practice schedules, but at least that was usually at a convenient time. it seems like studio sessions pop up at the most random times ever! sorry if I'm going on a rampage here, but this is a topic that is secretly discussed between us girls on the regular and i can no longer say that I'm ok with not putting it out there for you fellas to get a taste of the other (more evil) side of your precious "the studio". no, we are [i am] not making you choose but we are [i am] rather asking you to allocate your time wisely. balance is key. everything in moderation. what you focus on grows and if you chose to focus on building healthy-lasting relationships then that's what you'll be blessed with. if you choose the other, then have fun trying to "make it" alone. [sounded a little harsh] i guess some guys just have a hard time distinguishing between a "down a** chicks" and a "groupie". because a "down a** chick" would support you in whatever you choose to pursue as long as it helps the relationship and not take away from it. whereas a "groupie" is always going to tell you what you wanna hear. so pick your battles. I'm over it.

[for my local artist, i love you all dearly.. keep doing what you do]

pieces

pieces of a man can often be looked at as pieces of a puzzle; everyone starts off with their own complete set. we are quickly put to the task of finding out how to arrange our given pieces properly in a way that makes sense, but somewhere along the way life happens and we lose some pieces whether due to everyday turbulence or other regular occurrences. some boxes collide with others' and for a season we swap our pieces in exchange for promises, companionship, love or other things that we can't seem to give to ourselves. but when it's time to part and go our separate ways we end up leaving some of our most prized pieces behind; pieces that can't necessarily be replaced because we are special limited edition puzzles, equipped with one-of-a-kind pieces and formations that can't be recreated. sure we can try all we want to go back and pick up what we lost but its not the same because our pieces have been left with clear marks of abuse, mistrust, and disappointment, and can no longer fulfill the void it was created to satisfy. so what do you do now? you work towards moving on and adapting to playing with the pieces you have left, ultimately forming this new person. and although you seem to carry the same exterior, you've been changed inside; you've experienced somethings, formed new outlook on life, switched up your change of pace, and have produced a new attitude because once again you've been through some stuff. now the question is when will you know when it's the right time to do it all over again and hope that this time around you achieve success in finding what you were looking for originally. love.

is it me..

..or do they all look alike?

stuck

what do you do when no one's telling you what you want to hear? sure, in your mind you know exactly what you want out of life. but for some reason you just can't find the words to express yourself to others and as a result they don't understand where you're coming from, nor do they understand what it is you want. they can only tell you what they see and want for you; since to them it seems like you're still having some trouble with decision making and are in need of some help. but who cares about them and what they think? who are they to judge? i mean they're only the people that effect our every motive, our every move and strategy. but yet "they" are our friends, our coworkers, our parents and grandparents, the people that mean the most to us and subconsciously we take into consideration every word of input, every frown of disagreement, and every nod in agreement. yet still we know what we want. we know how we envision ourselves talking, dressing, walking, and living. we know what it takes to reach that place of self-satisfaction, but for some reason we all aim to please.. as sad as it is. 

cherish.

they say life is short and that you don't know what you've got until it's gone; which is all true, but i think it's much deeper than that. lately I've had a lot of things to think about; mainly about life in general and what's really important. one of my closest friends was recently incarcerated, which too me is equivalent to them being sentenced to death because their life is now in someone elses hands and their freedom has been stripped away. they can no longer roam amongst the free, we can no longer bust random missions together, nor could we indulge in late night conversations - but yet their still alive. it's crazy! and on top of that, one of the most vibrant people I've ever known recently passed away and all i could think was "wow, what is there to smile about now?" but there's a lot. there's the memories, the people that carry those memories, and the people who you continue to build memories with. all this has taught me to cherish the ones i love and couldn't see myself living without. and even though i miss my two friends (despite the circumstances) i catch my eyes welling up every time i think about them. however, simultaneously i am reminded to look around and to further embrace my blessings, for which i am thankful.

R.I.P. Diron Rivers - May your smile carry on through our own.

..and to all those with incarcerated friends and family, i know it's not easy but stay strong.

short & sweet.

ok. valentines day sucks [when you're single]. i feel like as the day approaches, you conveniently notice more couples that are just so cute it makes you sick, you hear more love songs that you oddly find yourself relating to, and you realize that you're single and have no valentine. so you begin to reach into that pocket of "good" memories you've got stored away that will remind you of the times when you were loved, felt loved, was needed, and was that someone special. but all of these past thoughts just takes you back to your current status and you think "what happened to that?" we all want love. we all want to experience a love outside of that immediate parental love. we all want that relational love, emotional love, intimate love. (sigh) thank God this day only happens once a year!

true power.

true power is when one person can effect the way we interact across the globe; the way we speak, the way we eat, and even the way we listen. what a relief it is to have hope restored and faith renewed. it's good to know that it only takes one good strategic push to get things rolling, and the more i watch and listen the more i begin to see the fruits of that courageous effort towards change. it really amazes me to see how far we've come already. i mean, when a black man can walk along side a white woman and not be reminded of the dreadful happenings of Emmet Till you know we've come a long way. when white tears are shed in honor of the triumphant success of a black man and not be reminded of that the black man was once looked at as "strange fruit" you know we've come a long way. or even when our trust and focus has been commanded by the "underdog" and not be reminded that the "underdog" had no voice before now that you know we've come a long way. that to me is true power. when someone can persuade you to forget your original foundation to take one a new ideal and trust that this one is the correct one. yes, that is true power. the power of influence.

..continued from prior post

some may say that there are levels of commitment when it comes to terms of endearment. for instance, when you're in your first stages of "talking" you tend you use the title of 'boo', then it slowly blossoms into 'babe' and 'baby'. next you may or may not proceed to leap the giant leap out of the remedial-ness of 'level 1 and 2' and into the more attention required 'level 3' and the commitment required 'level 4'. now things are becoming more official and you begin to use the titles of 'boyfriend' and 'girlfriend'. hmm.. you find yourself in this area for a while, or better yet until you can gage your level of comfort. and once you decide that things aren't so bad here and you've seemed to have gotten the hang of "committing" you stake your claim! and what was then your 'boo' has just become 'wifey' or 'hubby'.

..it's all a game. just roll with it.

boo, baby, boyfriend, husband..

smh. the dating scene is a trip.

so after you've finally built up the strength to leave that blood-sucking relationship of yours, you feel left with one of two questions: "did this really just happen?" and "what do i do now?" it's so easy to fall into what is called the hero syndrome; where you quickly try and replace what you just lost with the first 'nice' person that comes across your path. so what do you do? you wait it out. allowing yourself the proper time to regroup and rebuild your independence. because the last thing you dream about is taking part in another failed relationship. another reason to not get too involved and not to let yourself go to just anyone. but all the while the thought of creating a new 'soul tie' makes you cringe because to you that would mean giving up your new found freedom. the freedom you never had before, yet you always wondered about. the freedom that makes you feel like you're in control because you have no one else's feelings to think about but your own. you're now at a point where you're taking nothing too seriously, but are rather keeping things simple, playful, flirtatious, and maybe even a little lustful. however, the thought of another "boo" begins to irritate you because it's all starting to become so redundant. you realize you've heard the same line, just from a different guy on a different night. and after a while it all starts becoming almost predictable, like a game you've seemed to have mastered or a movie you've seen a million times; you know all the moves and all the things to say, because you've heard it all before. it is then when you realize that every one's a player! every one's playing in the same game of choosing. but how do you know who won? are there levels you must master to proceed on?

..to be continued

imprisonment.

to me to be in prison is to be in a place where you feel trapped and controlled. i almost feel compelled to say that to experience someone that is locked away, eats away at the heart as if you just heard that they had died. i mean even though they are still alive; walking and breathing, you can't see them whenever you chose, you can't hug them, you can't call them up to go hang out, you can't randomly swing by their house and pop in on them.. no, none of that. instead, you stare at the spot where they slept, you wait up for them to indulge in the usual late night chat, you keep preparing yourself to run into them at the familiar kick it spots.. but none of that happens either because they're not there anymore. they're not walking amongst us common folk anymore, they've been separated.. placed in a realm different from our own daily scenario. but just before you get use to living without them, you have to keep reminding your heart to wait. wait on that loss of hope, wait on that need to replace what was lost, wait on moving on. because the the only difference between death and imprisonment is that at any point they can be set free, granted a second wind and returned to pick up where they left off.

lovers vs. friends

some people will always be together. no matter how hard they try to claim their singleness, they are forever tied to at least one person. for most of the people my age it's the high school sweetheart.. the one that first taught us how to love someone outside of our immediate family, yet also the first one that taught us never to trust wholeheartedly again. smh. so why is it so hard to completely break away? is it because we get so comfortable in the things and people we already know and are familiar with? or is it because we will truly and honestly forever love that special ONE? i look around amongst my peers and the couples from high school that are still together to this day are still going strong, whereas the one's that have "broken up" play it off as if they're "not together" on the surface yet still have some deep connection that is so obvious yet they keep denying it. it's like what Chamar Moore says in my favorite movie of all time, A Diary of A Mad Black Woman, he says that "when you really love someone, you can't just be their friend." So True. i mean, no matter how hurt you felt during your break up, or how infatuated you become with the next person.. it will never replace that first true love.. and for most people that's something that's just too hard to admit.

take away a man's heart..

the most anticipated album of the year (i would say) being Kanye West's 808s & Heartbreaks was probably one the most revealing Cd's I've heard. it's obvious that he has experienced some life changing obstacles between the release of his last CD Graduation that produced uplifting songs like "The Good Life" and "Stronger" to his latest CD which includes songs like "See You In My Nightmare" and "Paranoid". i mean what happens when you take away a man's heart? not their literal heart, but the things that they long for.. the things or people that keep them going, that encourage them, that love them. Kanye lost both his mother and his fiance basically within the same year.. two very important people in his life! Now this is not a post about Kanye West but rather a reminder that we as people rely on each other in every aspect. for most of us all we need is to be in that one "special" person's presence and everything will be alright.. it's like the world is minuscule compared to our connection with our selected few. whether it be people or material possessions, I've witnessed a few individuals lose the things that meant the most to them and it sadly drove them to their own demise; whether it be depression or a series of misfortunes.. it's like kids who become "troubled kids" due to the disappearance of quality parents or role models or whatever the case may be. we all need one another, whether we'd like to admit it or not. we become apart of someone elses means of survival..

Intro

Welcome. I've been gone for a while; working and living life, yet missing that seldom opportunity to release my thoughts and feelings through blogging. I created this new blog because i felt it was relevant, due to the fact that it's a new year and I've just stepped into a new phase in my life called "young adulthood" and therefore felt the need to leave behind old drama, old thoughts, old Erica. Because i am not the same Erica that i use to be, life got to me. People have disappointed me, steered me in the wrong direction, tempted me to try things their way, and have made some strong impacts on the shape of my character. I'm at a point of realization, where i can admit that i have changed and have been influenced. i mean i speak differently, dress differently, walk differently, listen and hear things differently. I've changed! and it's OK because I'm comfortable with this change. i feel like I'm finally figuring things out, finally getting a grasp on what makes me happy and content, what i need to do to make my dreams come true, what my dreams are. i thank all those that have hurt me, put me in a bad spot, betrayed me, lied to me, manipulated me, and even those that love(d) me.. because without them, i wouldn't know what to stay away from. what those "red flags" look like, what to look out for.

so with that, I've started the year off fresh on many levels. not just through these Internet communication tools like facebook, myspace, AIM, and twitter.. but all the things that i take in and consume on a physical level and relational. motivated to leave my childhood behind.. leaving childhood hurts, childhood fantasies, and childhood wants all in the past..

Welcome to Erica-Lindsay's new world. a world of beautiful realities and vibrant outlooks.